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I Just Really Hate Life. Tags: I Just Really Hate Life.

I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm so pitiful and no one cares. I guess I just need to vent. yes, this is a true story.

I guess it all starts with no one really caring about me. I was the child who was ignored. The the child who was born for failure. Whatever. I'm over that, but what really pisses me off is that no one really started even looking at me until I got "pretty". I started wearing makeup. people actually talked to me. but they didn't care. I knew they didn't. I just wanted someone to talk to me for once. I went years without anybody even glancing at me and it felt good that people wanted to talk to me..

I started dating this boy who really cared about me.. well I don't know.. maybe he was just going through the motions like everyone else. Either way he took a year out of my life and I was hooked on him. I really loved him. I still care about him even now. He was my first love. He dumped me, three times to be exact. I kept taking him back. I couldn't help myself. He treated my like poo most of the time. All he would do was grab on me. I didn't like it, but I put up with it so I wouldn't be alone again. well, now he has a new girlfriend. When he got her he rubbed it in my face that he was completely done me over the phone. He broke my heart, again. He didn't even care that I was breaking down inside. Before any of this happened, I used to cut. I stopped for him. well, I started again when he broke up with me the first time.

I was hooked first time I did it. It felt so good, like I was releasing my built up emotions. when we started dating again, he treated me like shit. like I was only on this planet so he could use me for any little thing he wanted to do. He broke up with me because I didn't talk enough. I cut even more. When we started dating once again, he was sweet and loving. After a month or so he broke up with me again. I wasn't going to cut. I was going to be strong this time, but then he called me and asked me to come over so we could start again, and I believed him. We did so much that day.. and by so much I mean sexual things. Which I'm sure you realized.. anyway, I went home. Happy to have him back, but then he told me to call him.. he said that things wouldn't work out. he was so calm. he didn't care that I cried for hours that night. I cried for a week even. I hated myself. I still hate myself.

I didn't cut though. not until last night that is. It hurts so much. I had blood all over my stomach (I cut there because its harder to see it then on my wrist).

It just hurts so bad. he knew everything about me. how I was neglected as a child. How not even my mom cared about me enough to take care of me. The nights I was alone at home with my sisters. The men my mom would bring home. How she cheated on my father right in front of us. How no one cared about me until I got "pretty". How no one even cared about when I did get "pretty". How he didn't care about me until I got "pretty".

I just really want to die. I'm not going to lie, I plan on cutting again tonight. suicide will come later I suppose. I just need someone to show they really care about me..

I'm Sorry...
Category: Love

Dear auntie,
I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't visit you for 5 years. I'm sorry I never said I love you. I didn't visit you when you were in the hospital because I didn't want to see you like that. I didn't go to your funeral. Why? I couldn't stand the fact that the last time I would see you, You would be in a coffin. I'm sorry auntie. I love you so much.
Love,
Tu flaca


My story:
Summer of 2005 I went to visit my auntie, I was 5.
I loved it I had so much fun.We went to the beach, went to rivers,took a walk through town. We left to go back home. Years pass by and my auntie calls us to see how we are doing. She asks me the same question every time, "when are you coming to visit?" I always said "Soon." She always sent us Jewelry, clothes,cheese (yum) and love. One day my auntie calls my mom and says "It's hot here sister I have a headache" They finish talking. May 31,2011 my mom gets a call that my auntie got sick. She goes to Mexico for an emergency and I stay here in the US praying for my auntie to get better. Turns out she had a hemorrhage in her brain. They do surgery and they put a tube thing to try and stop the blood. I get a call...My auntie was brain dead. I sobbed. My mother was devastated. We pray even harder. I get another call on the morning of June 13,2011. My auntie had passed away that morning. My mom wants me to fly there for her funeral. I refused because I wanted to remember my auntie when she was alive. The thing that made me sad and devastated was that on around May I went to visit my grandpa because he gotten sick. I come back and talk to my auntie and she said "I heard you were coming to Mexico and I thought you were coming to visit me that's why I bought you a dress and shoes" That broke my heart "I visited my grandpa because he was sick" "when will you visit me?" "This summer vacation" That was the last phone call I got from her.To this day I regret not visiting her and it has been 9 months and 6 days since she passed away.I want to pass a message...Tell everyone you love them...You never know when it will be too late....

A perfect love story lost to the mundane
Category: Love
Tags: love story sad perfec love interesting

This is my story. The story of how I met a wonderful girl, saw her grow into a woman and then lost her to incompatibilities between her and I.

I was walking through downtown with my Dad. He has always been a player (my mom divorced him years before this) and he knows what to say to grab a hold of the other persons attention when he wants to. He has a great ability to guide a certain situation to where he wants it to go.

So there we where when I saw a pretty chic walking down the street and she passed us quite a few times with her friend. She was barely 17 and I was 22. I've always been quite shy and I was looking for a good girl to spend the rest of my life with, so I actually thought the age difference would be a good thing since men always mature later than women.

I mention her to my Dad and that I found her interesting. He jumped to the occasion since I would never show interest in a girl around him. So we go walking in the direction he thought they might have gone.. and of course he was right. I ask him to talk to them cause I had no idea what to do. Shy as ever and stage fright comes over when talking to pretty females and all. So anyhow, he goes up to her and her friend and says "Let me invite you guys to a cup of hot chocolate." with a big smile on his face and me by his side.

Their faces where priceless. Shocked, amazed, etc. And then the impossible became possible. They accepted. Reminiscing that day she said that the only reason they went was because she found me quite attractive.

That's how we met.

I've told that story so many times. All of them when we were dating together. Six years of a relationship, a beautiful relationship gone bad. We where full of hopes, dreams, illusions. We even had the names for our first kids. Christopher Alexander Y.. A.. (last names omitted). Erika Y.. A.. We were still kinda dubious as to what the second name of our girl was gonna be.

Well, as to go on with the story...

When we met I was studying in Australia and came home to visit during the summer. I had one month left before I had to go back for 9 months. We where getting along great during that month, everything was magical. I would go pick her up with a white rose every day to go do anything. I remember trying to desperately look for one rose from gardens to gardens because flower shops didn't have the ones I wanted to give her.

The third day we met I put a grass ring on her finger, I wanted to marry her. She loved it. I believe it was 10 days into the relationship that I don't remember how we ended up walking in front of a church and the subject of what type of relationship this was going to be popped up. I stopped her and said something of the sort: "I'm in this for the long run." implying marriage which she understood perfectly at the time. She just nodded agreeing, and that is how we formalized our pact. A simple sentence and a nod.

We both kept on walking by the hand absolutely perplexed at what just had happened. We couldn't actually believe it. Neither me nor her. It was an amazing feeling. One of the best feelings I've ever experienced.

We were full of innocence, dreams and hopes. The month was over sooner than we had wished. And so we made the effort to keep it alive from a distance. It was not easy. Many, many, many, many hours of phone calls, video chat, emails, flogs, blogs etc. etc. etc. Most of my day I spent it like that. Communicating with her to make sure our precious pocket of happiness wouldn't die off and wither.

Nine months passed like that. It was harder to get through than expected. But then again I used to go head first into hard situations where I would put myself to the limit. This time it was worth it.

Summer came and it was marvelous again. Flowers, picnics, dinners, family barbecues, etc. I gave my all to keep her happy. I loved to see that smile on her face. She was innocent, beautiful, tender and treated me well. I was giving it my all to protect and nurture that beauty she had within.


But of course, summer was over and I had to go back to Australia and she started college away from her hometown.

She has always been very attached to her family. They get along very well and they are always together. A very healthy and caring relationship. But her dream was to become a "business engineer" and go to the same university her father went to.

I helped her make that step. To actually move away from her family and be alone in a strange city in a strange environment totally different from what she had experienced up until then. And to top it off your boyfriend is literally on the other side of the planet.

As you could imagine I was more jealous than ever. She started making friends and I was so far away.. I tried to still be a big part of her life. The only way we had to do that was through the phone and the computer. Nothing real nor human.

Of course she started having doubts. She didn't want to chat with me anymore for a week or two, at least not in that lovey dovey way that we would always use mostly instated by her. Of course this rose an alarm.

I actually don't know how I managed to keep her with me at that time. I remember keeping my cool when she told me about the situation. She was chatting with a new guy and she was enjoying the flirting. When she told me about the whole situation I kept my cool. We started the conversation and somewhere in between I remember saying something like: "...Well, decide what you want. Just remember what the different options have to offer. It might be good today with him, but I'll be there forever, at least until you want me there. And if you don't want to be with me. Just tell me. But if you do choose him, we will never be together again, not now and not when I go back." Thankfully she chose me.

Of course this was a sign of alert. So I offered her a two way ticket to Australia to come visit me for winter break (I live in the southern hemisphere). It was the only thing I could think of to keep the relationship alive. But then I had to come up with the money to get the ticket. I started saving every last penny. I starved those months to raise enough to pay it. It was not cheap. And then I also had to convince her because she would have to come visit me instead of her family the first year she was out on her own. So of course she missed them more than the rest of us would because of how close they were and still are.

That trip was so amazing. Lots of memories, almost all of them good ones. Except the one time she caught me staring at another girls rear end. That makes me laugh to this day. Well, I wasn't laughing when she got mad, only when I remember it does it get a chuckle out of me. Which in the end, turned out to be a laughable subject in the future.

Trip was over, she was gone, we kept at it long distance, no matter how torturing it was. I started doing terribly in classes so I dropped out and went back home. One for her, two because my family was there and three because it was a lot more cheaper. So I decided to keep at my degree, architecture, but with a girlfriend to hold and have by my side.

It was amazing during the first two years. I was doing good at classes and so was she. But then I started doing worse and worse. And she started falling out love because I was getting more and more depressed. It was hard to keep concentration, I was totally filled with anxiety. Something wasn't right. I almost became a "gameaholic", my own personal word for addiction to computer games. And to top it off our sex life had always been terrible. I studied different techniques and solutions but I never was able to treat her the way she wanted at that specific moment. She had been traumatized by her first time, which had been with me. She forced herself to have sex with me so she wouldn't loose me. When she told me my heart broke. So there you have it. The reason why she hates sex with me. And there I was giving it all my best efforts. I even bought her a few dildos for her to experiment on her own. Maybe she discovered something that she could teach me to do, or at least make it more attractive to have something inserted. She always was very clitoral.

In the end, I stopped caring and putting any effort into the relationship. We were amazing out of the bed as a couple, we had practiced that part excessively well. But in the bed it was worse than a cemetery. In a cemetery you at least have the possibility of some ghost haunting, at least some type of activity.

The sexual rejections started messing with my head and made me more fixated on sex which made it even worse. I started fantasizing about things that are messed up. I still do. Our sex never improved.. I'm still suffering the aftermath. I would love to have a normal fetish. I never told her about that. I am really good at keeping sides of myself hidden. She would never know there was a problem until I spoke of it. It's been the same with everybody, I keep my stuff very hidden.

The lack of a sex life killed my love for the relationship and at the same time I was and still am going through a bad balance of emotional states, sometimes very active and sometimes inactive. Making me sometimes very responsible and sometimes not so much.

It was such an effort to keep the relationship alive. And I felt that I was the only one trying. So I stopped trying. And I was right. She left after two months. But then again, as they say, you need two to dance Tango.

All I know now is that she left.. because I let her slip away. I didn't have the energy left to keep it alive. And I was hurting because I didn't feel loved. Sexual rejection after sexual rejection makes you feel very lonely and you start to doubt yourself in so many levels. I even offered couples therapy, "That's for old people." was the reply that I got.

I ran out of cards to play. An empty deck, just the hope that she had something up her sleeve to keep it alive.

Six years of my life.. six years of her life.. were melted together. And with that hopes, dreams, memories and a place so sacred that its hard to imagine it existed. All gone, faded into the past. We where happy together, very. But then again.. we grew apart in ways I couldn't understand.

It was so awesome to cuddle with her after a long day and talk about anything and everything.. she understood me better than anybody else in this world and I understood her more than anybody else. I think it's the case up to this day. We still have that connection.

Yesterday I said goodbye to her...

goodbye forever...

you will always be a part of me and I will always love you..

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